Best laid plans.

When I set out to create a literary magazine for those affected by chronic mental/physical illness I was so hopeful and excited and full of energy. The prospect of helping give a voice and platform to those whose stories deserve to be heard filled me with a sense of purpose and joy, which I had not been feeling in the years since my diagnosis. Don’t get me wrong, I had good things and people in my life and could feel happiness with those, but true inner joy and a sense of purpose seemed to allude me. I had been on auto-pilot, working my fast-paced, demanding job in corporate sales, waking to work and hardly stopping to really examine if what I was doing was what I could do. I had it in my head that in order to be happy I had to be a successful corporate executive. I toyed with the idea of an MBA or a Masters in Corporate Innovation, but each time I thought about dedicating more of my time to the business world, I felt more deflated and depressed. Even though I was feeling this way, I still had information calls with admissions reps, because I had to work in sales, in the corporate world. What else would I do? I planned on rising in the ranks, perhaps taking on a Director role or pivoting to corporate training. I planned on getting back into running. When I was in high school and college, I used to run 6-8 miles a few days a week. I planned to finally master the tailpress backside 180 on my board. I planned…I planned…I planned. Fate and my body had other plans. I was not going to do any of those things. I was going to start using walking sticks and a rollator. I was going to be forced to go on disability. I was going to have cognitive decline and memory issues and fatigue and Uhthoff's phenomenon and bladder dysfunction and diplopia and numbness, tingly, spasticity and pain and..and..and.

What could I do now? Make new plans! Recognize that, yes, I deal with all of those things daily, but I also have love and support and inner strength and a new path to travel. I was never going to be a corporate executive, because my heart wasn’t in it to begin with. I’m a writer, who loves helping people. I have experiences that can be used in new ways, for my own dreams. Having a chronic illness has allowed me to be open to other possibilities in my life, outside of the corporate world. I’m back in school, but for Narrative Medicine, not a Master’s in Corporate Innovation. I’m finding ways to make an impact in the medical field. I’m writing again! Something I didn’t do daily for years, because I was so focused on my job and had little energy or time for anything else, even my passion for the written word. I have entered into a new way of connecting with others who have chronic illness through the launch of Ailment. I’m in awe and humbled by the response and outreach from those affected by chronic illness. It is still a challenge. Every day. All of my symptoms make school, writing, and even working on the magazine difficult. I have weakness and stiffness in my hands after typing, so I have to take breaks to let my hands and fingers recover. It’s even taking me a long time to write this blog post, because I’ve had to take breaks in typing. I can’t sit or stand for very long, so I have to take breaks and stand or sit, depending on what I’ve been doing. Reading takes forever, and this one really is frustrating, because I love to read. I have so many amazing submissions I’m working my way through and want to give all of the focus and attention each story deserves. I feel a kinship and overwhelming desire to do all I can to honor each person’s voice, it’s just taking longer than if I didn’t deal with the cognitive issues from MS. I’m able to get my assignments for school ahead of time, so I can try to keep up with the reading. Sometimes I still get behind, but I’m doing it. Every day.

How has your path changed since your diagnosis? What aspects of yourself have come to light, because you aren’t able to do the things you used to be able to do?