I am not a fighter.

I have a dear friend who sends me the flexed bicep emoji anytime they ask me about how the fight is going with my Multiple Sclerosis. On an intellectual level I understand why they send it. In their mind I am supposed to be strong and fighting my disease. Putting all my energy and effort into “defeating” MS. I will admit, when I was first diagnosed, I felt the same way. In my mind I was a warrior at war with an invading disease taking me apart piece by piece. Every time a symptom would present itself I would do more research, push back against what was happening, deny, ignore, run (figuratively). Anything to “fight” what was happening. This battling was futile and tiring and counter to what I really wanted to do. Deep down, when I heard someone tell me to “fight”, all I wanted to do was listen. Just lay down and let go. I was so exhausted from being at war with myself. I had been fighting my body for as long as I can remember. I had some tumultuous relationships in my lifetime, but my relationship with my body at the time of my diagnosis was, by far, the most unhealthy, unrealistic and harmful relationship I have ever had. I put my body down, told it hateful things, cut it, starved it, over-worked my body, deprived my body of sleep, fed it lies and mistrust. And when my body started attacking itself I ignored it until I could no longer avert my gaze. And when my body finally stopped itself and forced me to see and hear and feel what was happening to it, I took up arms and was told to fight. I have been fighting my body for so long. I am not a fighter. I do not want to “beat” an unbeatable disease. I don’t want that kind of pressure. I want to slow down. I want to listen to what my body is telling me. Give my body what it needs to feel better. When I finally laid down my weapons my body collapsed in relief, like soldiers who have a reprieve from killing each other on Christmas. In the time I stopped fighting and started listening to my body, it was like the beginnings of a new relationship. Discovering new ways my body can move, can think and reflect, learn, explore and feel. There are things it can no longer do, but letting the expectation that I have to do those things again to prove my body’s worth has led me to uncover things I never knew I could do. Listening to my body has helped me to work with my disease. Not to hate another part of myself. I am not unrealistic or naive. There are times I wish I didn’t have MS. That my body wasn’t attacking itself. That I could snowboard again. This is not the reality. I cannot live in the past or a fantasy. I am here. Now. I have MS. I also have hope. Hope that I will continue to live as fully as I can in my body. I do not need my armaments anymore. I am strong. I don’t need to fight to prove that.

Have you been told to fight your chronic illness? Has this mindset helped or hindered you? What has fighting and/or listening taught you?